I'm mostly okay with it, though. I mean, I'm not stopping, but I'm not depressed over it.
Other things have been rough.
A couple weeks ago I was in San Antonio for my first museum conference. I'd been to 4 education conferences ranging from about 50 participants to 1,000. This was a bit on the smaller side with (I think) a couple hundred, but there were still a lot of people, I think. We saw many of the best museums in San Antonio, including the Witte, the McNay, the Alamo, and others.
It was our last night, the evening event at the Witte, when the roughness hit. Earlier that day, my mom told me that my aunt had had a stroke while at work. At that time, she was stable and awake. Then in the midst of enjoying the varied exhibits at the Witte, I discovered a missed call from my mom. My aunt was no longer quite stable and no longer awake. That was Thursday night. But Saturday night, she was gone.
I wasn't particularly close to this aunt, but I worried over my grandma. This was her second child to pass in less than two years. I felt it was very unfair to her. And my aunt was a couple months younger than my mom. That's a scary thought, too.
I was told not to come home by both my grandma and my dad. Part of me was relieved to not have the 14 hour drive each way, but the other part of me wonders how I will get closure. (I wasn't able to go home when my uncle died either.)
So that was rough. And I don't really know how to talk about it. I cried with my friends who were there at the museum with me. I cried while talking with Chris within minutes of talking to my mom. Then I was done. I haven't cried over it since. And I've only told one other person that it even happened. It's weird that Facebook explodes with prayer requests constantly, yet I have not said a word about it. I don't know how. Not really. Even a simple, "Pray for my family, my aunt passed away," seemed inadequate and desperate. So I didn't say anything.
Now, I am. And I suppose it's okay now that it's been a while.
It feels almost like it did when my childhood best friend what hit by that train a few years ago and died within days afterwards. The event is so removed from me geographically, and on some level emotionally, that I'm not quite sure how, or even if I need to, grieve.
I didn't mean to spend all that time on the one family sadness here. I was meaning to do more of a quick list, but that didn't happen.
But now it's time for a fresh cup of coffee so I can do all those little projects while Chris does his homework. Lots of books for my classes, things to do for the wedding, and a bit of reading and planning for my thesis.
I will be productive. I will be productive. I will be productive.
And maybe this plateau will decide to give way up or down.
